THAT STUPID SLUT
by Elizabeth Myrddin
Guys are weird. More later.
Guys are really weird. Here's why. It was a nice
day yesterday and so Jodpur and I went for a walk in the forest
near our house. We were walking and talking and I was noticing how
really really cute my little brother was, even though he's only
11 years old. "You'll be a heartbreaker some day," mom is always
Well, we were walking along when suddenly this big WHOOSH sound
began circling through the trees and the forest ground started to
tremble. Jodpur grabbed my hand and yelled for us to run back to
the house babbling something about how time and space had folded
over and we were going to get sucked into a vortex and thrust into
an unknown dimension. I slapped him and said it was probably only
an earthquake. But you know what? He was right! We both blacked
out and when we awoke we were sitting on long platforms in a weird
white room with black curtains.
Oh no! Dinner time! More later.
Anyway. In this room was a really really handsome
guy. I mean totally good-looking, just the way I like them. He was
big and muscular with a thick dark brown beard, thick brown eyebrows
and dark groovy eyes. He was wearing a real cool shiny black spacesuit
and I think he was European or something because when I sat next
to him and played with his knee and said "hi" he shrugged and pointed
to Jodpur muttering something that sounded like "Rambler."
I decided then and there that if we were going to be stuck in some
foreign dimension, I was going to have some fun, and that meant
getting some action, if you know what I mean. I figured that it
was fate that had brought me to this place, complete with no parents
and my favorite kind of guy just waiting for me to fall into his
vortex ... or his lap ... (hee hee hee) so I'd better go for it.
Mr. European decided to play hard-to-get and began giving Jodpur
a back and neck massage. I could see right through this scheme,
cause I'm an All American Girl, and I knew he was just trying to
get to me through Jodpur.
Damn! Mom just yelled at me to put the lights out! More later!
Mom thinks I went to sleep. Anyway ... we were served
some weird-shaped food and frosty ice drinks by some scared-looking
lady. She sure looked upset whenever she glanced at Bear and Jodpur.
(By the way: Due to the obvious language barrier, I decided to nickname
my fella "Bear" cause that's what he reminded me of! A big, sexy,
hairy, cuddly bear! Yummy!). They were playing with some kind of
interactive game that featured body builders and teenage boys swimming
naked. Jodpur was sort of acting like a zombie by now, and I was
kinda irritated that he was being so unenthusiastic. I mean, I am
his sister and the least he could do was help me get into Bear's
pants ... or spacesuit!
Fuck! I have no privacy in my own bedroom! More later.
It's midnight and I just have to finish this diary
entry. Bear kept on ignoring me and pretty soon I got the message!
He wanted me to do something daring and sexy! So I took my drink
into the nearby restroom and rubbed ice cubes all over my big nipples
so they stood out like marbles under my cashmere sweater. Then I
took off my skirt and nylons, removed my underwear, put my nylons
back on and returned to the white room with black curtains. Lucky
me! The little brat Jodpur had fallen asleep, his mouth open and
snoring like a locomotive! Now was my chance! I jumped over to Bear
and rubbed my hard nipples against his puckery, hairy cheeks and
took his big hairy paws and placed one of them between my legs and
the other one on my butt. (Boy was I giggling!)
All of a sudden the scared lady grabbed my hand and pulled me back
into the restroom. I figured she was just having a jealousy attack,
but then she began muttering frantically in broken English how I
should try and shake Jodpur awake and tell him how much I loved
him and then she would drag us back through the vortex to our world.
Let me tell you, I was pretty miffed! By now I had worked up quite
a bit of lust over Bear and I didn't want to be a babysitter to
Jodpur. (Sometimes I hate my life.)
Anyway. I decided for one last try with Bear. It was not to be,
`cause after I agreed to cooperate with the scared woman, I left
the restroom and caught Bear completely naked and waving his big,
hairy penis over Jodpur's mouth chanting over and over again, "NAMBLA,
That did it. There was obviously a language barrier going on between
me and Bear. I now wanted out of this boring place so I began yelling
over and over, "I LOVE YOU, JODPUR, NOW WAKE UP!" while yanking
him away from Bear's dangling dick. While I was yanking Jodpur away,
the scared lady was yanking us through a doorway and down a long
hall. The whooshing happened again and I blacked out and then we
were back home again.
Jodpur won't talk about the experience and all I can say is I still
think guys are weird.
Oh, and I STILL don't know what the hell NAMBLA means.